So, of course, it’s been approximately 2 months since I’ve written here. The passing of my mum hit me a lot harder than I ever expected and a series of events following up to today has just had me curl into a ball and want to hide away from everyone and everything.
So today, I’m going to talk about the last few months and what has happened. And hope to hell I can keep it together because I feel like these events have crushed what little spirit and positivity I had in me – and most of you know that I’m a pretty positive person! I’m a glass half full kind of person who always sees the positives in things rather than negatives.
So, in June, I attended my mums funeral over in Victoria. I held it together pretty damn well there. No tears, made a wonderful speech (Not my words, the funeral peoples words) and got to spend some time with my brother and quality time with my dad, who came on the trip with me. He also paid his respects and it made me realise just how awesome my dad is. They have been divorced since I was approximately 13 years old and not once has he had any callous stuff to say towards her. Him coming and participating in the events there opened my eyes and made me also realise how life is not all about being petty, about being standoffish, or selfish (though you do need to be selfish at times) but to embrace what you do have.
At my mums funeral, she was in a plain wooden box. It was, however, colourfully decorated by everyone’s lovely messages. I put one, my dad put one on behalf of him and my Oma, and there were just so many touching messages written on it. I did take photos but I chose not to post them online. I kind of want something to myself.
After the funeral, my dad and I drove (we got a hire car) to Crown Melbourne and had an early dinner there. Being there reminded me how much I loved that place and that I also miss playing poker there – such an easy place to make money haha! The next day, my dad and I flew home and life went back to normal.. Or as normal as it could be
About 2-3 weeks after we got back, I had my power disconnected because I hadn’t paid the bill. I was paying $25 a fortnight onto the bill but apparently it wasn’t enough and they turned it off. This is where my dad came to the rescue again and help me pay the remaining off. A couple weeks after that, I get the letter saying my gas will get cut off (Am paying $20 a fortnight for that too) but the gas never got cut off, which I’m grateful for. But these letters just began a downward spiral.
The only thing I keep on top of is rent because I need a roof over the kids heads. I’m behind on gas, electricity, I need to pay rego for a car that I can’t even drive right now because the wheel bearings are gone and it has a flat battery (I am borrowing a car from the kids nana and granddad and have felt absolutely horrible that I’ve been borrowing it for as long as I have). Life for me right now is focused around money and I know it’s not the be all and end all of life. But right now, for me it is because I need to feed the kids and have the basic amenities together. On top of the gas and electricity, there’s fuel to get kids to school, to their dads and to appointments. There’s food which I barely have any of anymore. There are other direct debit payments that come out that I will not disclose but thanks to someone from my past, I’ve gotten into debt because of them and from them.
I have a budget in place. I know exactly how much I get so I am able to adjust how much I budget for food, or for other bills and generally keep to it. The $25 for electricity and $20 for gas is all I can afford in my budget. I am only on a parenting payment from Centerlink and I absolutely hate being on it. I would prefer to be at work, earning my money. The problem with that? Having a special needs son who needs my constant attention and help whenever he gets home from school. He’s basically too old for daycare (which I can not for the life of me afford anyway even with a suppliment) and last I enquired, OSHS at his school is full, which means I have limited hours I can work. But no one has any idea how much I want to be working.
Fast forward to the last week, where every single job I have applied for has come back with a rejection email, or have had no contact at all. This has been a vicious cycle for me for the past 9-10 months now. Apply for 10 jobs a day, every single day. That’s 70 jobs a week. 70 a week! That’s 3,650 jobs a year, and I still haven’t made it to anything else other than the rejection pile. Sure, I do apply for jobs that say you need experience in things but I have that little bit of hope that someone will overlook that I don’t so they can give someone like myself a chance. I know it won’t happen but that was the optimist in me that thinks that. Unfortunately that optimist inside me is slowly dying and the realist has reared its head and said ”I’m here, I’ve just been out for an extended lunch”
And thanks to all this happening, my mental state has suffered pretty badly. I break down at the drop of a hat. I can barely handle a joke anymore and I struggle to contemplate concentrating on uni and doing any housework. It’s all been pretty harmful but I just get through life how I can. One day at a time. I get through things by throwing myself into the uni work I can’t concentrate on, or taking the kids to appointments or whatever else needs to be done.
I’m not posting this because I want help, because I want handouts or because I want sympathy or pity. It’s my own personal blog that only 20 or so people usually read. It’s my venting place, my ranting place and it’s where I feel comfortable writing.
Anyways, I have the bottomless pit for a child wanting food so I shall head off.