What is this travesty!

Well would you look at that? I’m writing again after only two days! Shock and awe.

No no, I did say I would be back again semi regularly considering I’m generally on the computer with studying and research for uni.
I don’t really have much else to say for this one. Since writing my last one (found Here if you’d wish to read it – or not, that’s fine too) I’ve found myself just sitting in front of my computer updating my resume, fixing and editing and trying to keep my mind preoccupied from the rubbish that goes on in my headspace.

Tomorrow, however, my son has his 6 month post op check up for his teeth and he’s doing remarkably well. I don’t think the dentist will be all too happy that we are struggling to do his teeth but we persist with it.

Anyways, I must head off. Miss 5 wants to chat my ear off and while she talks, I type what she says; for example, I literally just had to delete writing ‘The floor is lava’. And yes, I actually did write that. Also need to go check my phone to see if the stupid thing had decided to charge past 2% and stopped feeling like the molten core of the Earth (I did add this is to make myself sound smarter; it did not work)

Seeya
L xx

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Lower than low.

So, of course, it’s been approximately 2 months since I’ve written here. The passing of my mum hit me a lot harder than I ever expected and a series of events following up to today has just had me curl into a ball and want to hide away from everyone and everything.

So today, I’m going to talk about the last few months and what has happened. And hope to hell I can keep it together because I feel like these events have crushed what little spirit and positivity I had in me – and most of you know that I’m a pretty positive person! I’m a glass half full kind of person who always sees the positives in things rather than negatives.

So, in June, I attended my mums funeral over in Victoria. I held it together pretty damn well there. No tears, made a wonderful speech (Not my words, the funeral peoples words) and got to spend some time with my brother and quality time with my dad, who came on the trip with me. He also paid his respects and it made me realise just how awesome my dad is. They have been divorced since I was approximately 13 years old and not once has he had any callous stuff to say towards her. Him coming and participating in the events there opened my eyes and made me also realise how life is not all about being petty, about being standoffish, or selfish (though you do need to be selfish at times) but to embrace what you do have.
At my mums funeral, she was in a plain wooden box. It was, however, colourfully decorated by everyone’s lovely messages. I put one, my dad put one on behalf of him and my Oma, and there were just so many touching messages written on it. I did take photos but I chose not to post them online. I kind of want something to myself.
After the funeral, my dad and I drove (we got a hire car) to Crown Melbourne and had an early dinner there. Being there reminded me how much I loved that place and that I also miss playing poker there – such an easy place to make money haha! The next day, my dad and I flew home and life went back to normal.. Or as normal as it could be

About 2-3 weeks after we got back, I had my power disconnected because I hadn’t paid the bill. I was paying $25 a fortnight onto the bill but apparently it wasn’t enough and they turned it off. This is where my dad came to the rescue again and help me pay the remaining off. A couple weeks after that, I get the letter saying my gas will get cut off (Am paying $20 a fortnight for that too) but the gas never got cut off, which I’m grateful for. But these letters just began a downward spiral.
The only thing I keep on top of is rent because I need a roof over the kids heads. I’m behind on gas, electricity, I need to pay rego for a car that I can’t even drive right now because the wheel bearings are gone and it has a flat battery (I am borrowing a car from the kids nana and granddad and have felt absolutely horrible that I’ve been borrowing it for as long as I have). Life for me right now is focused around money and I know it’s not the be all and end all of life. But right now, for me it is because I need to feed the kids and have the basic amenities together. On top of the gas and electricity, there’s fuel to get kids to school, to their dads and to appointments. There’s food which I barely have any of anymore. There are other direct debit payments that come out that I will not disclose but thanks to someone from my past, I’ve gotten into debt because of them and from them.
I have a budget in place. I know exactly how much I get so I am able to adjust how much I budget for food, or for other bills and generally keep to it. The $25 for electricity and $20 for gas is all I can afford in my budget. I am only on a parenting payment from Centerlink and I absolutely hate being on it. I would prefer to be at work, earning my money. The problem with that? Having a special needs son who needs my constant attention and help whenever he gets home from school. He’s basically too old for daycare (which I can not for the life of me afford anyway even with a suppliment) and last I enquired, OSHS at his school is full, which means I have limited hours I can work. But no one has any idea how much I want to be working.

Fast forward to the last week, where every single job I have applied for has come back with a rejection email, or have had no contact at all. This has been a vicious cycle for me for the past 9-10 months now. Apply for 10 jobs a day, every single day. That’s 70 jobs a week. 70 a week! That’s 3,650 jobs a year, and I still haven’t made it to anything else other than the rejection pile. Sure, I do apply for jobs that say you need experience in things but I have that little bit of hope that someone will overlook that I don’t so they can give someone like myself a chance. I know it won’t happen but that was the optimist in me that thinks that. Unfortunately that optimist inside me is slowly dying and the realist has reared its head and said ”I’m here, I’ve just been out for an extended lunch”

And thanks to all this happening, my mental state has suffered pretty badly. I break down at the drop of a hat. I can barely handle a joke anymore and I struggle to contemplate concentrating on uni and doing any housework. It’s all been pretty harmful but I just get through life how I can. One day at a time. I get through things by throwing myself into the uni work I can’t concentrate on, or taking the kids to appointments or whatever else needs to be done.

I’m not posting this because I want help, because I want handouts or because I want sympathy or pity. It’s my own personal blog that only 20 or so people usually read. It’s my venting place, my ranting place and it’s where I feel comfortable writing.

Anyways, I have the bottomless pit for a child wanting food so I shall head off.

Seeya

L x

Contemplation on posting this, but decided to…

It was a tough decision to post this. I seem to slack here and every time I say I swear I’ll try to keep updated and every single time, I fail.
No, this is not a post to say that I’m stopping writing because frankly, I’d be lost without this. This post is a much, much more private matter that I’m posting about today.

On Monday, 5th of June, I got a phone call that would change my life. No, unfortunately I am not rich and I did not win the lotto. That would have been a much more welcoming phone call.
At 2:15pm, my dad had sent me a text message saying to call him asap, that it was important. I didn’t see this message as my phone was on charge and not near me. At 2:45pm, I got the phone call from my dad. My dads first words out of his mouth were ‘Liz? Are you sitting down?’ and I said jokingly ‘I’m always sitting down’. I could tell he wasn’t in the mood for joking round just by tone of voice. The next words out of his mouth changed the course of the day and the mood of the household entirely. He said “I got a phone call from your brother about half an hour ago. He told me your mum died this morning.”
My expression paled, my mood went from ha ha to numb and the first thing that I said – actually screamed – was ‘WHAT?!?!’
My dad couldn’t stop apologising and although they’ve been divorced for 17 years, he sounded shaken up as well. After he hung up from talking to me, I sat the kids down and told them. William didn’t really get it but Katherine said ‘Oh, I’m sad now’ and then proceeded to say ‘Can I go watch tv now?’

Now, here’s the rest of the story. At the end of last year, my brother was harassing me, starting shit where there was no shit that needed to be started whatsoever. I’m not going to go into any details here but it involved me and my ex partner apparently ganging up on him and picking on him when neither of us had talked to him in 6 months (we had no need to – besides, we hadn’t been together for about 5 months by that stage). Now this will sound heartless, or callous but when I first heard the news, I truly believed that he was saying all this because he was trying to get my attention and that my mum was fine and that as soon as I answered my brothers messages, I’d get one from her (because that’s basically how it happened here).
From hanging up from my dad, I spent the next 2 and a half hours on the phone with so many people. I had called my ex in laws as they still talked to my mum when she was in hospital. I had called my ex husband as I had told him that she wasn’t well two weeks before. They both suggested that I called my brother to actually hear it from here, but I really didn’t want to talk to him regardless of what had happened (The shit he had started with us was pretty intense to the point that I had said I wasn’t ever talking to him again). Instead, I called the hospital she was staying. In my head, I’d figured that if I heard straight from a medical professional that I’d be able to start getting through it. I knew that she was due to have surgery the day she passed but the nurse in charge confirmed that she was gone and that she didn’t make her surgery. After I hung up from that phone call, it finally hit me that she really was gone but I still couldn’t cry. I felt numb, upset, angry, heartbroken, sad – but I think I was (and in some instances still am) in shock and in denial.

A few days ago, my brother told me when the funeral is and so my dad and I are going over to Victoria for the funeral. We arrive Tuesday night, funeral on Wednesday and Thursday afternoon we fly out. I’m going more for my own closure and to be support for Tim, my mums second husband and to see if I can finally get out of the denial phase of things and start actually grieving. I’ve been asked to say something at the funeral and I really don’t know what to say. At least I have this weekend to figure it all out and put pen to paper.

Now, while I was a kid, my mum and I were pretty close. When I started working, we kinda drifted apart. I moved out of home at 18 with my very first ex boyfriend and we didn’t talk until I was 22, when I told her that I was pregnant (and lost that one two days later). We had reconnected, but things were never the same. She gave me so many guilt trips, made me feel like garbage cause I couldn’t answer her phone calls a lot (I was either dealing with the kids, working – pre children – shift work so she always caught me sleeping or at work and always made me feel bad for that and other things) which unfortunately meant we had a very strained adult relationship.
But at the end of the day, she’s still my mother and while we had a very strained relationship, I will forever love and appreciate the time we had together, the bond we did have and the life lessons she taught me like ‘Always use your please and thank yous’ and ‘Treat others how you want to be treated’

I also have a few thank yous to throw out there, and I know most of these people won’t read this and see this, I needed to get it out.

  • Jhye, who’s been my unbelievable rock through this – I appreciate everything. Every hug, every second you take to listen to me. He says he’s not great at these situations but he’s been nothing but perfect. He’s been my shining star. When I can’t think of something I need to do, he helps me remember. When I’m getting frustrated with the kids, he’ll play with them.
  •  My dad, he’s been absolutely amazing, helping me get over there and coming over with me
  • Murray, who’s also been there to listen to me, as well as his parents. To that, I thank you all
  • Toni and Kev – two of my PoGo Mystic mates who’ve sent me a message every single day to see how I’m going and sending me messages and pictures making me laugh.
  • Jacinta and Ryan – Two more of my PoGo mates who let me borrow their lawnmower and whipper snipper for my rent inspection, but also took some time out of their day to listen to me talk and talk.
  • Jaimee – Honestly, one of the best friends I could ever ask for. She came over the Monday night and brought me a beautiful bunch of flowers and just let me talk (again!) even though I just couldn’t think much at the time. I’m so grateful, thank you
  • Anneke – I’ve known Anneke since I was 5 years old. Her and I have been through so much together and I was always there for her when she lost her mum, and she returned the favour.

Anyways, I should probably go. I’ve been sitting on this for over an hour.

Peace

L x

Back by popular demand… By one person

Well, I’m back – whether it will be for good or sporadically like before, I am here right now. I have had a lot of drama go on these past few months since I last posted, but I’ll go into detail more at a later date.

So April 1st marks the new month. It also marks my self proclaimed birthday month! Now, on New Years Eve, I promised myself I wasn’t going to wallow in self pity (which I still do but its usually about cash rather than the original reasoning why) and that I was going to make it my year. The year of just the kids and I, the year where we celebrate everything. So I took it upon myself to make April my birthday month. Not birthday week, not birthday day…but birthday month!

Day one of my birthday month was great. It was just spent chillaxing at home, watching movies with the kids and playing games while they played among themselves. My love for World of Warcraft has been renewed and I can not wait to get this character I have just started (on a new server to what I was playing before) up to at least 60 before my mate finally gets it installed on her PC (its currently only level 14 but with a bit of dedicated play, I’m sure it won’t be too hard to get there 😊)

Other than that, it was a pretty good, calm day. Tomorrow, for birthday month day two, we’ll be going to quiz, Pokemon hunting On PoGo and preparing for Wrestlemania on Monday morning!

Peace out

L xx

A rough day 

Hi all! Its my first post of the new year! 

I was gonna post a whole recap of last year, but it was just a bit too depressing to go back through all the bad (and a few good things). So I decided that I’d post a new year blog. 

Well, kind of a new year blog. More like the first of the new year. Yeah, that sounds better! This year will be better, much better than last year (OK, maybe the second half of the year anyway) 

So the reason behind this blog is because of the day. This morning, I woke up and was reminded of the date. The date is the 10th of January. It would have been my 8th wedding anniversary, and whilst we are still technically married I’d say that it is our wedding anniversary. But, not being together for 3… Well 4 years now, I guess it kinda stopped at 4 I guess. So its been a rough day for me, emotional wise. I tried to lighten my own mood when I posted a Facebook status saying that if anyone would like to put $75 in my mailbox today, that’d be great. I woke up to my internet disconnected and that’s how much it was going to be to reconnect it. Not a great thing to wake up to really but I contacted my dad and asked if he could help. He said he could, but not for a few days which is fair enough. I then had some wonderful friends offer to pay for it for me, offer to put money in my account. I had friends say they wish they could help me and whatnot and it made me realize that I know some of the most amazing people in my life. 

As I said in my last status, I was merely saying it as a joke, because I absolutely hate taking money from people, I hate borrowing money from people (I hate asking my dad for $20 for petrol whenever we go and see him!) And I hate owing money – I feel embarrassed and anxious and nervous. Why? Its probably the anxiety and depression that makes me feel that way but that’s just how I feel. 

But for now, I’m preparing for my first rent inspection and I’ve just finished the one room that I wanted to get done and I’m fried. But I have to keep going, getting these assignments done and try to not to fall asleep on my couch! 

So to all the angels in my life – thank you. You are all amazing and I love that I have you all in my life. If the shoe was other foot, you know that I would not hesitate to help you in any way I could. 

Peace out 

L x

What a weekend!

So we’ve just come out of a full on weekend, into a full on week. And honestly, I needed the activities of this weekend just gone. 
Right now, its still hard to talk about what’s going on. So yes, I’m being cryptical. I’m being the kind of person I hate. I’m still not comfortable about it but those who have me on Facebook will know I’m been a miserable old bag for a while. Probably about 5 weeks. The only times I’m in a semi neutral state of mine is when I’m with my kids or with my friend – but he’s now away for 2 weeks, which sucks but at least I can still chat to him online.
But this weekend was insane. Its just what I needed to bring some form of humility back to me. 

On Friday night, I went to Cannington bingo. After the last game, I went the car and found myself driving to Kings Park. I was hunting for that elusive Snorlax – and some Mystic members from Facebook that I knew were there but couldn’t find! I ended up being there until 2am (at 12:30am, Blastoise spawned and a really small carpark went crazy! If you know PoGo and play it, you’ll understand), home by 3am and was woken up at 8:30am by the neighbors. 
Saturday was when it really went off. By 10:30am, I was back at Kings Park, and spent some time there (till bout 4pm) just enjoying the place – while Pokemon hunting. Got back home, went to Point Peron for an hour until I headed off to finally meet up with some of the Pokemon Go Team Mystic Perth players. We waited round for a bit for anything good. Nothing. 

So, we went on a gym hunt. We started our gym hunt (Pokemon gyms, not ACTU gyms) around 12-12:30 and we didn’t finish till about 3am! It was so fun to be working with other Mystics, but most of all, it was great to be making new friends. Friends who have the same passion and drive some the same thing I do. Sure, people may think its stupid, it’s childish. But absolutely everyone has some form of dealing with emotional situations and life in general. On Saturday, I managed to get lost in a world that I’ve loved since I was a kid but with other people with the same love and passion for the game.

I was wrecked by Sunday, but it was still good. Coffee, window shopping, chilling in bed. Went to quiz, lost as usual but it was good. 

I’m feeling it today though. My whole body aches, I’ve been busy and I’m so very tired. But its been all worth it! 
So for now, I’ll sign off – but not before I say this. Thank you to Wilson, Elise, Damo, Adam and Jesse (and the two randoms) for making my night so fun and for helping me forget all the stresses I have going on in my life, even if it was only for a night 😄😄

Alright, sleep time! 

Peace out ~L

Alive and breathing

Yes, I am alive. Yes, I’m breathing. 

It’s been a long few weeks. Months even! I’ve been so busy, with being a parent (My daughter had a mild case of chicken pox last week and had all week off school) and Pokemon Go (I’m level 27, have 136 out of 142 available in my Pokedex and am Team Mystic!) And Uni, and everything else that life throws in the way. 
But, I have been working on something these past few weeks… Months even. I’ve been working on me. Since having the kids, I’ve felt super self conscious about how I look. I’ve been on and off doing something for the past 6 years but I figured that now’s a better time than any. It’ll take a long time to get my stomach down to how I want it, but I’m pretty proud of what I’ve done so far.

In January, I was sitting on 82kgs. I had never been that heavy without being pregnant and it upset the hell out of me. My self confidence plummeted even more than the rock bottom than it already was. So, I was looking for ways to do something bout it. 

From January to April, I didn’t really do much because I got too lazy. May rolled round and I finally kicked myself up the ass. I said to myself that I will get to 70kgs again – but then figured that was a bit of a steep goal, so I decided that I’d start in my mini goal of 75kgs, and then I’ll start with toning and getting to that 70kgs. Anyway, fast forward to yesterday. I jumped on the scales. To my surprise, I hit my mini goal of 75kgs. 3 months and 7kgs gone. 5kgs to go but I can finally move onto phase 2 of my main goal. I’m stoked, I really am, and it’s made me feel so much better about myself. 

I challenge myself by running up these steep stairs at Point Peron (While Pokemon hunting). About a month ago, I couldn’t get past 3/4 of those steps without getting puffed out. I can now get half way up without getting puffed.. It’s the steeper part of the hill that still gets me but I will get there eventually. 

Sorry, I had to make a me post for a change. I’m gonna head to bed now. 

Seeya! ~ L